Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Letting old expectations go... so I can welcome new hopes and dreams.

We are at the point at where our baby can join us any time... or in little more than a week or two from today.

I am a huge advocate for a natural, non medical birth... I believe that a birth (without any complication) is not a medical condition that needs so much intervention, drugs and surgery. Women's body should be able to accommodate what is so instinctively natural and human... Roo's birth was nothing easy... but truly life changing and expanding as a mother and simply as a human being.

I wasn't surprised that my doctor kept mentioning that my baby has been "looking up at the north star" every time we took ultrasound for last past two months... but at the same time I was pretty optimistic that she would find her chance to turn since Roo was also very late in turning...

Until we were getting ready for the 36 weeks check-up last week... After literally having tried everything I could to spin a breech baby... from acupuncture, chiro, Moxibustion, crawling, being upside down in the pool, lying on a slanted board..., I knew that I could no longer blindly believe that the baby would turn in next few weeks.

She still might... but at that point I felt the responsibility to also think of a birth plan B and plan C... plan C being Cesarian surgery.

All through last week I grieved the possible loss of natural birth experience. I wrote a lot about what I was feeling in my journal... talked to a few friends and prepared myself for a doctor's visit... which was inevitably going to be a discussion about the operation. I knew I was going through the process and it was something I had to go through.

Probably the hardest thing was to free my expectations and old ideas... like wanting to have a natural birth, fear and doubts I have towards the medical system in the States and expectation to be back on my feet quickly... so I could accept what it would be and create a space for new hopes and dreams to pour in my heart.

Now... after going through a week or so of contemplating all the thoughts and information, I feel much more in peace with what our option might be. I have come to a conclusion that a birth is a process to bring a new life to the world... and natural birthing process is an amazing transitional moment to transform life from one phase to another... but it's not the only way. 

She might stay with me until our scheduled operation day... or she might join us much sooner. It's really up to her now. Knowing that a birth is a process of transition... I am now taking time to emotionally start the process. So if an operation happens a lot sooner than our scheduled date without much time for us to transition, I know I would feel in harmony to have had a chance to leave this phase of life to welcome our brand new family member.

I am reciting this quote by Marilyn Monroe everyday...
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
I am pretty sure that I will be a much bigger person after going through this process and am thankful for everything my little baby has already given me.


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